I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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