I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
