I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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