I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
