i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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