i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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