omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
