I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
