My sheets look like a crime scene.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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