i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
