I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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