i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
