Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
worst night to have a conscience
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
