Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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