forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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