im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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