Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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