You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
