Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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