im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
