I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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