I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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