is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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