Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
