HIV tests are more positive than that guy
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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