You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
