He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
