apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
