is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
