you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
