We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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