Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
