4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So drunk its hurt
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
