Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
