cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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