she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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