so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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