last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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