so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
