Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
