you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
