Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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