i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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