hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
