I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
