so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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