Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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