I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
