My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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