I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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