I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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