Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
