Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
