I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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