My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
