There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
false alarm. still invincible.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
