the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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