I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
